It’s an absolute fact that as the family law firm leader gets better, so does the entire firm.
If the leadership isn’t growing, the firm isn’t growing.
I’ve found one shortcut to becoming a better leader → Feedback.
A Personal Wake-Up Call
About five years ago, a teammate gave me some incredibly difficult feedback about my leadership.
She told me that while I did a good job challenging, motivating, and inspiring our team, I failed miserably at equipping and supporting them with the tools they needed to fulfill our vision.
I felt that familiar defensive wave wash over me. My internal dialogue kicked in: “She’s wrong. She doesn’t understand my intentions.”
I was so busy defending myself mentally that I almost missed what she was saying.
Then something clicked. I realized she had good intentions and genuinely cared. When I finally listened, I recognized she was absolutely right. By embracing her feedback instead of rejecting it, our entire firm benefited.
That moment was a gift—and that’s really the first lesson about feedback.
Good quality feedback is a treasure for your leadership and ultimately to your firm’s success and profitability.
Why Good Feedback Is So Rare
Our main office is in Wisconsin, a state known for its culture of “niceness.”
Getting direct, challenging feedback here is difficult because we often view criticism as mean rather than helpful.
Beyond cultural barriers, there’s the natural human desire for self-preservation. Most of us have given feedback in the past that wasn’t received well, and we were punished as a result.
Once that happens, we become hesitant the next time someone asks for our input.
This problem is amplified for top leaders. When you have a significant impact on people’s careers, they’re naturally reluctant to tell you difficult truths.
Many leaders claim, “My door is always open,” but the reality is our doors are rarely as open as we think they are. One defensive reaction or dismissive comment can slam that door shut permanently.
Two Types of Feedback: The Good and the Bad
Good feedback is usable, actionable, and helps you improve. It can come from many sources and address countless aspects of your leadership.
Bad feedback typically comes from two places:
- Well-intentioned but inexperienced people who lack the maturity or knowledge to provide useful insights
- People with negative motivations who want to hurt you, exact revenge, or act out passive-aggressively
As a leader, learning to distinguish between these types is crucial.
How to Get Quality Feedback
1. Model the right behavior
It starts with you. Model openness and a lack of defensiveness around feedback. Create an environment where people feel safe approaching you with difficult truths. Demonstrate that feedback is a gift you genuinely appreciate.
2. Surround yourself with strong people
Have team members around you who are willing to challenge you and say no when necessary. Their strength will encourage others to speak up as well.
3. Use anonymous surveys
Regular anonymous surveys can provide insights that people might not share face-to-face. Just be careful not to ask identifying questions that might compromise anonymity.
4. Ask indirect questions
Instead of asking, “How am I doing as a leader?” try questions like:
- “What did you hear me say in today’s meeting?”
- “How could I have communicated better about this issue?”
- “How is our culture landing on you?”
These indirect approaches often yield more honest responses.
5. Conduct 360 reviews
Hiring outside coaches to conduct 360 reviews can provide invaluable insights, especially for executive team members who have the maturity to handle direct feedback.
6. Implement structured feedback sessions
At Sterling, we do yearly planning sessions that include team health assessments. We ask questions like:
- What do you want to see Jeff doing more of?
- What do you want to see Jeff doing less of?
- What should Jeff continue doing?
- Where does Jeff add the most value to the firm?
I’ve kept these answers for years, looking for patterns that reveal where I need to improve.
How to Process Feedback Effectively
When receiving feedback, especially difficult feedback:
- Look past who is giving it to focus on the message. Try to extract the truth regardless of your relationship with the person.
- Seek specificity. If someone says, “You don’t listen,” ask for concrete examples. When I did this, I discovered I was interrupting people or looking distracted because I thought I already knew what they were going to say.
- Take the high road. Even if the feedback stings, respond with appreciation. Say, “Thank you for sharing this. I need some time to process it.”
- Use silence. Don’t interrupt. Let them finish completely, then ask, “Is there more?” or “Can you tell me more about that?”
- Reflect before responding. It’s often impossible to process feedback effectively in the moment. Take time to think about it alone.
Recovering from Defensive Moments
We all have times when our insecurities take over and we respond defensively to feedback. When this happens:
- Own it aggressively. Go back to the person and apologize.
- Thank them for having the courage to share with you.
- Let them know what you’re doing as a result of their input, even if it’s just thinking about it further.
- Ask for a second chance to receive their feedback better in the future.
The Bottom Line
In my leadership journey, I’ve grown most from quality feedback. Creating an environment where your team feels safe giving honest input isn’t just nice—it’s a critical engine for firm growth.
For leaders serious about improvement, I highly recommend the book “Thanks for the Feedback,” which has significantly shaped my approach to receiving criticism.
Remember, the best leaders don’t just tolerate feedback—they actively seek it, treasure it, and use it as fuel for growth.
